She’s back. And she still doesn’t know what to say out of her mouth…

New Rule: Do NOT volunteer your wannabe wedding planner maid of honor or your bridesmaid to help me. I have a staff for that. I have no desire to be asked “What do you want me to do?” every five minutes. Nor do I want to have to hurt her for undoing what I just did ten minutes ago. Likewise, I don’t want to hear about how J.Lo did it in the movies or some wedding planner did something on TV.  Tell her not to talk to the vendors, touch the centerpieces, favors or cake. Tell her to stop calling me for incessant things, like when you have a run in your stocking, you lose your contact lens or you have gas. Unless you want her tied up in with duct tape across the mouth and stashed in the back of my Yukon, tell her to get her hair and makeup done and call it a night.
New Rule: Get a real wedding website. Using your MySpace page does not count. Especially with all the glittery graphics, loud music and lewd photos of you on a stripper’s pole during Spring Break (wow, isn’t your fiance lucky?).   And stop taking RSVPs in your comments section.

New Rule: PLEASE find some one to watch your dog if you are bringing it to the wedding (and do NOT ask me). Nothing says romance like Rover cocking his leg up on the cake table or a quick squat on the dance floor. But awww, he’s so cute in his little doggy tux. FYI, your deposit with the reception hall…yeah, that’s gone.

New Rule: Bringing half empty bottles from your house to your reception site to stock your bar isn’t exactly what they had in mind when they said you could bring your own liquor. Just thought you’d want to know.

New Rule: If you’re living in a tin can, but can some how find 20 grand to spend on a wedding, you need a wedding like you need a hole in your head.

New Rule:  You are not a relationship expert now that you are engaged.  We’re glad that you finally tricked your fiance into marrying you.  But that doesn’t now give you the right to start dishing out relationship advice like you’re Dr. Phil.  We all know what a good guy your fiance is…I mean, after all, he’s dating your Maid of Honor.

Until next week!